This past weekend I had the great privilege of attending Barbara Stanny’s Sacred Success Retreat. Her book of the same name is available for pre-order right now and will be featured on Glimpse TV in a couple of weeks — make sure you’re on the list so you don’t miss it. There are some profound truths about women and power Barbara shared with me that you’ll want to hear.
Barbara reminded us there’s an internal conflict when we say we want something but our results do not match our desire.
We say we want love, but deep down what we really want is to feel safe. And love feels scary. So we stay single. And safe.
We say we want to lose weight, but deep down what we really want is to feel connected to our family. And our family has always been overweight and judged slim people. So we stay heavy. And connected to our family.
We say we want to get out of debt, but deep down what we really want is to feel like we belong. And our group of friends is always commiserating about how bad the economy is and how hard it is to get out of debt. So we stay in debt. And we feel like we belong.
We all have desires. I, for one, have an insatiable appetite. I bet you do too.
Yet it can be incredibly frustrating to have had the same unrealized desire for years, and years, and possibly even decades, and still not have met it.
It’s likely you’ve made a vision board, written your “list”, meditated, repeated your affirmations, practiced guided visualizations, walked a labyrinth or two, penned your Morning Pages, asked for messages in your dreams, pulled Goddess cards, attended a ritual, Feng Shui’d your home, and consulted at least one astrologer/psychic/energy healer/intuitive person.
Am I right?
So why hasn’t “it” freaking shown up yet?
When we say we want something but we don’t have it yet, we’re getting something out of not having it. (Tweet it)
This is the critical question:
What do I get out of things staying just the way they are?
What is my payoff for not changing?
Beneath your desire, there’s a deeper desire running the show.
You may want to feel safe, loved, connected, or like you belong. I promise that if you look closely, there’s a deeper need being met by you not going for what you think you want.
These questions are powerful. When you ask them, you might be surprised, and even horrified by the answers. But they’ll be the keys to unlocking the life of your dreams.
For me what has come up when I’ve asked these questions in the past is that my payoff for staying where I am is that I get to be liked. I said I wanted to play bigger in business, but really I wanted to be liked. I said I wanted to unabashedly speak my truth, but really I wanted to be liked. See how this works?
Here’s the good news:
Awareness is all that’s required right now.
Bringing these deeper drives to light for observation is often all that is needed to make a change.
(When I became aware that what was driving me was my desire to be liked, I noticed a positive change in my behavior immediately. I re-calibrated my internal compass to point to growth instead of acceptance. I continue to remind myself that it’s safe to shine and that my true community will love me no matter what. And with each passing day I am indeed playing bigger and bigger.)
You don’t have to “work” on this.
You don’t have to spend years in therapy.
You don’t have to go talk to your inner child. (Though, feel free to!)
Simply ask the questions and be open to what arises.
Inquiry creates awareness. Awareness creates change.
Simple. Elegant. And, if you’re open to it, easier than you thought it would be.
Does this resonate with you? What are you getting out of staying where you are even though you may have said you want to be somewhere else? Leave a comment – I’d love to hear from you!