When it comes to working on yourself and your life its much the same thing.

Three years ago I was coached by the Handel Group. At the time I basically wanted to gut my life. There wasn’t anything acutely wrong, but I had started to feel cramped and limited by the container I’d created for myself. My coach and I examined every area of my life to see what was working and what wasn’t working. The coaches at the Handel Group take a tough love approach which was exactly what I needed at the time.

I was guided to write my dream for various areas of my life (like my body, my relationship with my family, and my career) in vivid detail. Then we looked at where things were in the moment, where I wanted them to be, and what needed to change in order for them to be where I wanted them to be. I learned how to tell the truth with grace and love. I learned how to have tough conversations that I previously would gloss right over with a plastic smile. My work with the Handel Group planted the seeds for the online space I’ve since created. One of the major influences for me starting a blog was because my work with the Handel Group uncovered a need I had to speak up that I hadn’t been honoring.

A few weeks ago I was contacted by Laurie Gerber, President of the Life Coaching division of Handel, to see if I wanted to lead a teleseminar with her. We’d talk about dreams and share one of mine. We’d share how using the Handel Method of writing a dream, looking at the influences that are holding us back from having what we want (they call them the “chicken” and the “brat” and they live inside our heads). We’d talk about the process I went through of making promises to myself (with compelling consequences) used to create the reality of my dream. My work with the Handel Method had been so powerful that I said “YES!” I knew this was something I wanted to share with you.

Last week I finally sat down to listen to the sample call Laurie had sent me that would guide me in writing an outline for our call together. The information was great and I got some poignant reminders of how the “chicken” and the “brat” come in and convince us why we can’t have what we want. I even took some notes.

Yet in the pit of my stomach something felt “off.” My most recent posts have been about loving yourself no matter what, the revolution of self-acceptance, and how sometimes you just have to take a break from growing yourself.

The truth is, I’m not in renovation mode. I’m really loving how my life feels right now. Last night a girlfriend asked me what were the three best and worst things happening in my life right now and the worst I could come up with was that my iron levels are a little low and I’m feeling kind of sleepy a lot.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Yes the leaves are turning brilliant colors and the outside world around me is transforming dramatically. Yes there are things I’d love to change about myself and my life. Despite these things being true, I’m so enjoying the fact that after a year of significant transformation that lead to The Freedom Tour (shepherded in part by the Handel Group) and then another 15 months of not really living anywhere, the dust has finally settled and my life feels really good.

As I listened to the recorded call I knew I couldn’t get on a call and talk authentically about a compelling recent example of taking one of my dreams, breaking it down into promises and consequences, looking at how the “chicken” and the “brat” were showing up, and then crafting my dream. It would have felt contrived because I’m just not in that place right now.

So I had the opportunity to have a tough conversation with Laurie and tell her how I felt. It was deliciously ironic because I featured Laurie in October 2010 on Glimpse TV with an episode entitled The Biggest Mistake People Make in Tough Conversations. Laurie is  a hard core stand for truth. She doesn’t let anyone get away with anything in the best way possible. And she was beautifully gracious in our conversation but didn’t let me get off the phone without a little poking around into my creative process and how I tend to wait until the last minute to get things done. (Had I not waited until the last minute to listen to the recorded call I would have known earlier that leading the call with Laurie wasn’t a fit for me right now.)

I learned so much from the experience that I wanted to share it with you. And I love what Laurie and the whole Handel team are up to so much in terms of supporting people in renovating their lives when the time is right, that I decided to share the call anyway.

If you’re in a place of craving transformation, do yourself a favor and hop onto Dive into the Promise of You with Laurie Gerber this Thursday, September 27th. You can thank me when the dust settles.

If you’re more in a place of savoring the beauty of your life exactly as it is, bookmark the Handel Group’s site the next time you get the urge to tear down a wall or two.

So, in a nutshell, here’s what I learned (or was reminded of) from this whole experience:

• taking a breath, an afternoon, or a day or two before saying yes to something to make sure it’s really the right timing is a good idea -> SLOW DOWN
• though my tendency to not start projects until the last minute usually serves me, when those projects involve other people it’s a good idea to start earlier
• if you have to say no, bow out, or de-commit, when doing so from a heart centered place that’s real, generally the other person will understand
• our bodies tell us what to do if we listen – I knew from a feeling in the pit of my stomach that leading the call with Laurie wouldn’t be truthful or reflective of where I’m at right now – I didn’t have to think long and hard about it, my body told me
• if the only reason you’re doing something is to not disappoint someone else, even though doing that thing doesn’t feel right, that’s not a good enough reason

You have permission to say no to the things that don’t feel right, even if you already said yes. 

You can always de-commit. 

A heartfelt, “sorry but I can’t” can go a very long way. 

Don’t do things so that you won’t disappoint other people. Do them because they feel unwaveringly in alignment with you, where you’re at in life, and your message.

I’d love to hear your thoughts:

Have you ever said yes to something that you realized wasn’t the right thing?

How did you de-commit?

Share your experiences in the comments below.

I just wrapped up living no place in particular for the past 15 months on. My man and I did more than 30,000 miles by car last year, I logged many more in the air, and we slept in over 100 beds.

I was burned out. I was having a major hankering for a home. I was ready to nest.

So The Freedom Tour came to a close back in December, we nestled in for the winter on the east end of Long Island in a tiny, seasonal town called Wainscott where more than 2/3 of the houses in our neighborhood were vacant. Ultimately it was a little too sleepy for us. So, heading an insistent call I’ve been putting on hold for 11 years, we moved to Maine where I grew up.

When you finally do something you’ve been dreaming of doing forever it gives you the beautiful opportunity to manage your expectations.

After reading every word in Maine Magazine, including the ads, every month for the past year, fantasizing about the smell of salt air and the taste of fresh seafood, and imagining what it would feel like to finally be HOME, we finally did it.

I would love to report that everything as soon as we moved in everything was completely perfect, that suddenly my life made more sense, that I gained tremendous clarity and insight, and that I felt relieved, relaxed, and regenerated. But the truth is, I felt depressed. It didn’t feel like “the way life should be,” at all.

And this somewhat bottomless, endless feeling of blah didn’t go away in a day the way I thought it would. It kind of lingered the way the smell of the garbage wafts around for a few minutes even after you take it out. And because I thought I should be feeling ecstatic to be finally fulfilling a long time dream, I didn’t tell anyone how I felt. I felt ashamed that I didn’t feel totally psyched.

Here’s the thing about emotions that go ignored: they fester. They ferment. They get into all the little nooks and crannies that can only be cleaned out using a q-tip.

So yesterday I got on the phone with my coach and when she asked me how I was and I replied, “I’m okay,” the tone of my voice alerted us both to the contrary. I proceeded to cry pretty much for the next 60 minutes as she gave me permission to be exactly where I was. There was no judgment, no asking me to move through it, no giving me suggestions for what I could do to feel better.

In fact, she encouraged me to stay right there in my icky, yucky, depressed, sad state.

Our society, myself very much included, has a strong leaning towards the positive.

Put on a happy face.

Buck up.

Grin and bear it.

Fake it till you make it.

I was raised on affirmations, choosing a thought that feels better, the power of pure positive thought, and getting into vibrational alignment with the good that I want to attract. So staying in depression and not trying to do anything to fix it feels antithetical to my very nature.

See the thing about positive psychology, affirmations, the law of attraction, and a lot of the self-help aisle of the bookstore is that it discounts an entire spectrum of emotion that may not feel “good” perse, but is nonetheless valid. And to deny, sublimate, push down, push away, or try to escape the tapestry of emotions, whether you deem them good or bad, that make up experience of being human is denying a part of you, as well.

After my coaching call I sat on the couch and took deep breaths. I set a timer for 25 minutes because I know how deeply engrained my tendency to move away from difficult emotions by getting into action is. Chela, my coach, suggested opening to whatever I was feeling – opening so wide that I eventually would become bigger than the painful emotion itself.

I’m still trying to get a grip on what that means, exactly, but I’ll tell you what: after sitting and taking deep breaths and focusing on the physical and emotional experience of being depressed…

I felt really honored.

I felt really seen.

I felt totally validated.

And of course, as the tides of emotions tend to do, things shifted and I ended up having a delightful evening seeing The Avengers in 3D with my mom and Mike at the Cinemagic in Saco, Maine. (Not that feeling better was the point. I’m just reporting in.)

Chances are pretty good that there will be a moment in the next few days when you’ll feel an emotion that doesn’t feel so hot.See what it feels like to feel it, breath into it, and stay. You might feel like it will swallow you (I did.) You may feel like if you let yourself go deeper into it you’ll never come back (I felt that way.) But in the name of knowing yourself better, and at the very least soaking up every delicious and not so delicious drop of the human experience, stay anyway.

My mom always told me you have to feel it to heal it.

Honor yourself by being exactly where you are, even if where you are sucks. Then report back. I’d love to know what happens.

Within the last year KC launched The School For The Well Spoken Woman, a place where women on a mission can come to learn how to rock their message AND delivery.

Because if you’ve got something to say but you don’t know how to say it powerfully and in a compelling way, your mission will be thwarted from the beginning. But if you combine your mission in the world with poise, confidence, grace, presence, and superb communication skills, then people will really be able to hear what you have to say and you’ll make a far greater impact.

I’m sure you’ve heard it before: most people fear public speaking more than they fear death.

So KC certainly has plenty of people to support in moving through their discomfort and fear towards grace and power. As a prep for her upcoming events, Speak Up For Your Business (an 8-week speech writing course that I’m thrilled to be part of the faculty for) and The School For The Well Spoken Woman LIVE, KC is rolling out a free video training series covering the following juicy topics and more:

• the secret that all charismatic public speakers use to captivate their audiences
• the single most important perspective shift to turn your fear of public speaking into grace
• the one question to ask yourself that will make writing your next talk EASY and have it turn out EPIC

Sign up by clicking here to receive KC’s free Secrets to Confident, Graceful Public Speaking video training course. You’ll also have a chance to apply for her upcoming programs. Speak Up For Your Business begins May 12th and The School For The Well Spoken Woman LIVE is happening in San Francisco and NYC (you pick your location) in July.

KC is doing such critical work in the world. I’m overjoyed that The School For The Well Spoken Woman exists because helping women clarify and turn up the volume on their voices couldn’t be a more compelling mission. I’ll never forget doing Team Northrup presentations with KC back in 2005 and being struck by how much grace, elegance, presence, and power she had as a public speaker back then. So let me tell you, this woman knows her stuff!

Back in February KC flew across the country to snowy Wainscott, NY to snuggle up with Mike and me for a week because she got a download in her meditation one day that this would be the perfect thing to do. We cooked, we talked, we walked on the beach, we all wrote around the fire, and of course, we filmed Glimpse TV :)

Watch our episode below to find out:

• KC’s perspective on what is going to move us forward as a species
• how to stop what KC calls “innocent narcissism” from preventing you from speaking succes
• and how to use your breasts to enhance your impact as a speaker and a change-maker (I’m serious and it’s not what you think!)

If you want to crank up the volume on your voice and your message in the world, this is an extraordinary time to be alive. ~@KCBaker w/ @KateNorthrup on #glimpsetv (CLICK HERE TO TWEET THIS TWEETABLE)

Watch KC’s TEDx talk that I mentioned in the Glimpse TV episode below:

Sign up for KC’s free Secrets to Confident, Graceful Public Speaking video training course by clicking here.

I’m so thrilled to be a part of Speak Up For Your Business and to be joining KC, Barbara Stanny, my mom, Dr. Christiane Northrup as a guest speaker. This 8-week course is also included when you enroll in The School For The Well Spoken Woman LIVE so check that out by clicking here.

 What message do you want to get out into the world? What are you on a mission to say? What freaks you out the most about speaking in public? Leave a comment here!

I immediately LOVED the concept and it made my cells buzz:

The MAYBE BABY Program- Six Weeks from Ambivalence to Peace: For women who hear a whisper of ‘maybe’ in their hearts.

She was reaching out to me as a 20-something entrepreneur who might be grappling with the idea of children to share my perspective along with other interviewees and some experts like sociologists and OB/GYN’s (to be coupled with her own coaching genius and personal story of ambivalence and then having a baby and being thrilled by the experience.)

Here’s the thing:

I’ve never, not even for one second doubted that I’m going to be a mother.

The one thing I’m 100% clear on in my life is that I want to have kids. In fact, my whole reason for starting a business was so that when I’m ready to have kids I can be fully present with them and not have to worry about sacrificing time with them for work or vice versa. (Watching the recent film I Don’t Know How She Does It with Sarah Jessica Parker reaffirmed my motherhood business fuel.)

Though I didn’t end up being interviewed for Maybe Baby as I’ve never been ambivalent about children, I felt a strong connection to what Randi is doing and know it could help thousands of women. I know tons of women who are entrepreneurs and/or are dedicated to their jobs who aren’t sure if they want kids. It’s an issue that they feel torn about and grappling with it causes quite a bit of social and personal mental and emotional rug burn. And as someone who’s never felt that way, I never quite know what to say to them.

Enter Randi Buckley with her Maybe Baby Program.

Here’s what she has to say about it:

“Maybe Baby” is a coaching program for women who are ambivalent about having children,

but hear the whisper of ‘maybe’ in their hearts.

With compassion and no hidden agenda, we work together to uncover your answer

AND to be at peace with it.

How beautiful is that? As young women we’re blessed with the opportunity to be and have anything we want. And that can be paralyzing at times. Just because we CAN have it all doesn’t mean we HAVE TO have it all. The truth is nobody wants it all. We want what we want. And Randi will help you uncover what that truly is in Maybe Baby.

Enjoy the journey.

Are you now or have you ever been ambivalent about having kids? Why?

If you’re a woman who works and has kids, what is that like for you? Any helpful wisdom to share?

What’s the one thing you know you MUST do before you die (like how I MUST have kids before I die)?

What you can do every morning and evening to feel more vibrant: Glimpse TV with Maddy Vertenten from Kate Moller on Vimeo.

How do you add sacredness and holiness to your day?

Do you have a morning and evening practice that really work for you?

Leave a comment. Maddy and I would love to hear from you!