A few years ago, though, my mom, my sister Ann and I decided not to do gifts anymore on Christmas. Each year the gift giving continued to escalate.

My mom would get anxious that she hadn’t bought enough. I would spend way more than I intended to. My sister would get stressed out. My mom would stay up too late wrapping. I would wake up with an over-spending hangover round about January 2nd.

The truth is, giving had ceased to feel good. We’d all succumbed to the sneaky habit of over-giving.

My sister Ann is helping me with the edits on my book. (She’s a genius and she also edited Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map. You can find her HERE.) One of the key concepts of my book, Money: A Love Story (Hay House, 2013) is that in order to receive more value (and money) we need to give more value.

Ann asked me a brilliant question:

How do you tell the difference between giving more value in the world and giving too much?

Luckily, the answer is simple. Your body will tell you. Your feelings will be your guide.

Imagine one of those fountains that spurts out water and then collects it in a reservoir beneath. The water then gets recycled and sucked back up through the fountain to spurt out again. It’s a beautiful, self-contained water spurting and saving mechanism. Good for aesthetics. Good for Mother Earth.

Now picture a garden sprinkler. Water comes through the hose and spurts out onto your perennial beds. The perennials soak up the water but as long as you have the sprinkler on you need a constant source of new water. The sprinkler does not replenish itself.

When we’re over-giving we’re the garden sprinkler. The first few spurts might feel great and our little pansies wake right up and are very happy to be hydrated. But after a while the water stores bgin to get low.

Here are some sure fire signs that you’re over-giving:

• you feel resentful
• you feel unappreciated
• your throat, chest, solar plexus, or belly feel constricted
• you start to get shoulder pain (from holding too much of a burden)
• your breathing isn’t free and easy
• you look at your bank statement or credit card bill and feel icky and hungover
• you feel irritable
• you’re totally exhausted, physically and/or emotionally

What if you’re part of a family that does give gifts for the holidays? What if, like me, you’re a generous person but don’t want to cross the line and become an overworked, rusty garden sprinkler busting her butt for her pansies without so much as a thank you?

Here are some practical steps to stopping over-giving in its tracks and get right back on the generosity train:

1. Give yourself plenty of time for gift planning, shopping, wrapping, and/or creating if you’re a DIY type. One of my favorite things is to look for gifts for people all year long. I may buy my mom’s birthday gift in March even though her birthday isn’t until October. I may start keeping an eye out for Christmas gifts in July. It’s when we rush that we tend to overspend, get anxious that we didn’t buy enough, and feel resentful. Give yourself the gift of time first and then you can give from an open, abundant heart.

2. Next year, implement a few new family traditions that don’t include giving gifts, but instead allow you to enjoy one another’s precious presence. Some ideas to share with your family in lieu of gifts:

• take a trip together
• create a slideshow of favorite moments from the year
• share gratitudes from the previous year
• share your desires for the coming year
• spend time talking about your favorite moments from the year
• get out in nature and enjoy one another and the beauty of the season

3. When you’ve already spent more than you intended to, stayed up all night cooking, cleaned your house for 4 days without anyone noticing, or you’re just not feeling so hot and you suspect you may have been bitten by the over-giving bug, simply stop doing what you’re doing.

• Take a moment alone, ideally in another room or outside.
• Close your eyes and breathe deeply.
• Feel your breath refueling and nourishing your cells with precious oxygen.
• Tap into the endlessly renewable resource that is your breath and your own presence with yourself. Even 3 minutes of this will give your body the message that you’re there for you. Then you can get back to spending time with your loved ones in a sustainable, feel-good kind of way.

Do you have other ways of avoiding or halting over-giving that you’d like to share? Leave a comment below and let us know what it is!

P.S. Last week I announced a new project I’m working on about self-love and feeling your hottest in 2013. Check it out and join the party by clicking here.

A meeting that didn’t quite go as planned.

Last February I sat across from my mom’s literary agent, Ned Leavitt, at lunch. I had scheduled the lunch to ask him questions about the publishing world as I was beginning to get a hankering to write a book. And that’s what we talked about…for the most part.

At the end of lunch as we were paying the bill and Ned began a conversation that both surprised and unraveled me. Here it is, paraphrased to the best of my memory:

Ned: I was so glad when I received your invitation to lunch, Kate, because there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while. What ever happened to your singing?

Me: Oh no, that’s my sister you’re thinking of. She’s the singer.

Ned: No, not your sister. You. I have a vivid memory of you singing for your mother’s fiftieth birthday. Something came through you when you sang that was so earthy and vital and alive and I’ve never forgotten it. What ever happened to your singing?

Me (in tears): Well, I guess the answer to your question is what I just said: my sister.

Hiding my light under a bushel.

(Thanks for the expression, Mom!)

***Necessary interjection: My sister and I have an amazing, deep friendship. We love each other so much and support each other in everything we do. I realized in this moment with Ned that I had given up performing at eighteen after landing a starring role in a Brown University musical my Freshman year because I subconsciously thought that there was only room for one performer in our family. My sister seemed to want it more so I decided to switch directions and focus more on business than on being an artist. Let it be known publicly that my sister is my biggest fan, has encouraged me to tap back into my artist/performer self continuously and has never, in any way, dissuaded me from shining. Any hang ups I’ve had about this have been purely in my head. Thank you Annie for being the most amazing sister I could ever dream of. ***

After I blew my nose and got myself back together, I explained to Ned that I had given up singing and performing so as not to be in competition with my sister. He told me that though he had no doubt that  part of my purpose was to be a leader and community builder in the business world, he suspected there was something else in me.

F*ck it.

Six months later my friend Kirsten Lewis began producing a cabaret burlesque show called Paper Dolls. She asked me to do an act and I politely declined saying: “Oh no, I’m too busy/I’m a business woman not a performer/performing in burlesque shows isn’t part of my brand/(insert other stupid excuse here.)”

Given that I’m about to leave NYC, that I’m embarking on a journey into the unknown, and that I’m leaving more space for possibility by allowing myself to be more of who I am and less of who I’m not, I decided that now would be a good time to let my performer come back out to play.

So on Tuesday night at Paper Dolls at Sway Lounge I let “Bubbles” (my stage name) come out to entertain an intimate group of 75 New Yorkers who braved the cold. Sandwiched between a hula dancer, some girls in pasties and tassels, and my friend Kirsten and her baton, I took the mic for a spin.

And though I was scared out of my mind and I was really pissed at myself for saying yes to this before the performance, as soon as I was out on stage and I gave myself permission to lighten up, I LOVED IT! I tapped into a part of myself that I’ve not invited out in public in at least nine years and IT FELT SOOOO GOOD!

A once in a lifetime (sort of).

It’s not lost on me that this all occurred the same week as I deleted my external drive of video footage for Glimpse TV. It’s not lost on me that since Tuesday night I’ve felt happier, more energized, and more inspired than I have all year. I wrote to a group of friends before the performance that this would be a once in a lifetime chance to see me perform. I think I lied. I think I’ll be doing this more often.

Here’s to doing things that freak you out. Here’s to letting your freak flag fly. Here’s to grabbing the mic and serenading someone (or a hundred someones). Here’s to not hiding your light under a bushel. Here’s to giving yourself permission to be seen.

Much love,

Bubbles

***For those of you in NYC, I’ll be performing in Paper Dolls again on Tuesday, January 18th at Sway Lounge in NYC. Join the Paper Dolls Facebook group and my list to make sure you get the invite.***

And now, Glimpse TV presents….Bubbles!

(Disclaimer to make myself feel better because this is really scary to put this out there: the footage is not professional, there were a few mic feedback moments, and my voice is slightly rusty after not singing for nine years. But progress not perfection! I’m proud enough of it to share it with you so enjoy!)

My NYC Singing Debut: Come Rain or Come Shine from Kate Moller on Vimeo.

What have you done lately that freaked you out?

How did you feel afterward?

Is there a part of you that hasn’t come out in a while that it might be time to invite out of hiding?

Leave a comment!